blood still flows through broken bones
i'm ready to be honest again
I have to tell you,
there are times when
the sun strikes me
like a gong.
and i remember everything,
even your ears.
-”I have to tell you” by Dorothea Grossman
last night
i smoke a lot of weed and take the hottest shower of my life. donuts by j. dilla, one of my favorite albums in the world, plays on my speaker. i close my eyes and listen. i close my eyes and feel the water wash over me as it burns my skin. i don’t adjust the temperature. anything cooler will not suffice tonight. tonight, i need the heat, the scorch. tonight, i want to shed my skin.
i close my eyes and dream. i close my eyes for as long as i can. i close my eyes until the dream becomes a little confusing.
i open my eyes.
when the water stops running, something else washes over me instead. my cheeks become a blanket for my tears. right as i step out the shower, “time: the donut of the heart” starts playing. the best song on the album. the song that makes my own heart skip a beat for the little something that’s missing inside me. it skips for all the things i’ve lost but never found again.
i no longer feel high. i become drunk on my own nostalgia.
the beat loop dizzies me backward.
i ache for time and how much of it has passed and how quickly it moves forward. i ache for the people i’ve left behind- the ones i used to know. i wonder what they’re thinking right now, in this moment.
i ache for those long walks through the city with my ex-lover. because of him, i no longer look at the trees. i see them. because of him, i know that my two feet aren’t only made for walking. they’re made for flying too. on those walks together, we flew many places. i learned how to dream with my eyes open.
my heart still aches. this time, it aches for the friend that used to breathe beside me. i don’t know where she breathes anymore. i don’t know what she says. i remember we used to smoke and laugh together. about people. and how strange they are. i look back now, and it scares me. it really scares me how strange we became to one another.
last night, i smoked a lot of weed and took the hottest shower of my life and i remembered people. i think it’s beautiful to remember people. i hope to never forget.
this morning
it’s another gloomy April day. i miss the sun. these days, she has become my estranged mother. outside my window, my favorite tree is feathered with new leaves, new bounty. but it looks a little different than it did last spring.
a few months ago, while carelessly working, the roofers broke off one of its branches while throwing a piece of wood on the sidewalk. luckily, the branch was not completely untethered from the tree. however, unlike the others that grow toward the sky, this one is pointed to the ground. it looks confused. aimless. unsure.
when it first happened, i remember calling my boyfriend. “they broke my favorite tree!”, i exclaimed. “people don’t care about anything. they don’t pay attention. this wouldn’t happen if they were more careful.”
“it’s okay, it will grow back”, he said.
but i didn’t believe him.
i was afraid that once the winter months ended, the branch would completely plummet. i was afraid that it would sit there, stoic in its futile disposition, watching the other branches bloom while it itself rotted into decay.
but i was wrong.
even while hanging by its wooden thread, the buds still managed to sprout. what was once a barren, broken branch is now just a budding, misshapen part of the whole.
and maybe that’s what my heart looks like these days. maybe the broken pieces aren’t really broken at all, they’ve just taken a new shape. even if my branches are snapped in half, they’re somehow still growing.
since this discovery, i’ve forgiven the roofers. i’ve also forgiven the ones who’ve held my heart with calloused hands.
after all, blood still flows through broken bones.
i’m ready to climb the tallest tree. i’m ready to touch the sun.
ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚.˚◦○˚ ୧ .˚ₓₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚.˚◦○˚ ୧ .˚ₓₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚.˚◦○˚ ୧ .
I loved this so fucking much, thank you for writing this
i love this, thank you ❤️🔥